The Land-Rover Anti-FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)

[For those who are not into computer geek speak a FAQ is a list of frequently asked questions that new users of software etc might ask. An Anti-FAQ therefore is a tongue in cheek look at a subject.]

Once upon a time on the Land Rover Mailing list (Feb 1995 for those that really want to know), a newby by the name of Taylor asked a whole bunch of questions. Someone mentioned oil coolers on military Land Rovers. Taylor said that he didn't know Land Rovers were oil cooled and asked if someone could explain that. R. Pierce Reid responded with some humorous questions and answers.  Then someone else made a few responses. And the rest is history.... 

1.Is it true that Land Rovers float?

Unlike Volkswagen Beetles, Land Rovers do not float. They will, however, drive without any problem drive across the bottom of deep water like, say, a Great Lake or the English Channel. Of course, you can get the pontoon kit if you don't want to wear scuba gear while driving. The 2.25 L engine does not really need a snorkel, it is so rugged it runs when full of water. Two other types include Bob Davis's Mercruiser Rover, and a military application that encased the body shell in a large rubber air bladder that was inflated by the exhaust. It was called the Land Rubber.

That's true, Land Rovers do not float. You have to get a Sea Rover if you want to do  any serious off-land travelling. The Sea Rover is a variant of the familiar Land Rover. It is water-tight, has a rear brass drive screw, and a  rudder that conveniently attaches via the pintel hitch. All series Land Rovers came conversion-ready with a pintel hitch attached and the hole through the rear frame member for the propeller drive shaft.

2.Should I buy a Series Rover or a Defender/Disco/RR?

To find the answer to this question, post one note explaining that you feel that Series Rover owners are backward technology fearing anal anoraks, then follow it with another note stating that you feel that Defender/Disco/RR owners are stuck up cell-phone heads who couldn't tell a lugnut from a macadamia nut. Ask everyone to respond to you direct, and watch your mailbox fill.

3.Is a Land Rover any kind of a babe magnet?

Depends upon the babe in question and the Rover. Your best bet is to get at least one of each of the following:

4. Are there any ill effects from prolonged driving a diesel with the top off?

Yes. Mike Rooth has become irritable, bad tempered, and his diction has deteriorated due to long term exposure to diesel fumes. Steve Denis has, er, well your have to see him to understand the full impact. Considering the long term effects include a swarthy latino look ( I used to be Albino), Loss of memory (I could have sworn this beer was full), loss of hearing and Shaken Bladder Syndrome. The average Land Rover diesel driver turns out a 20 oz of ash. 

 5.Can I carry passengers in the spare tyre on the hood?

Yes, but they must be seated when you let out the clutch. If the driver isn't watching the passenger's butt, the passenger will impact the windscreen. ABP sells aftermarket airbag systems that deploy outwards through the bulkhead vents for such an event.

6.Do Dormobiles come with an internal toilet?

Yes. In fact all Land Rovers have this feature. Just lift the center seat, remove the access panel, and drop your drawers. [BM]

7.Do Dormobiles come with an internal showers?

Yes. All Land Rovers have this. When it rains.

8.Do I need a radar detector if I buy a series Land Rover?

Probably not. The only recorded instance of someone being pulled over for speeding in a stock II in the United Kingdom involved a Barnsley Series 2 Club member in 1994.  

 9.How do I stop the drips on my leaky transfer case?

First drain the oil. Then replace the plug. This should solve the problem.

10.What is the best way to mount a CB antennae to a Land Rover?

The best antennae mount is the Lucas Tri-Polar Magnetic mount antennae. The poles have been shifted 90 degrees so it sticks to aluminium. Rovers North sells them. Ask for Lanny and tell him you need a Lucas Tri-Polar Magnetic mount CB antennae. I think they're on special in this month's flyer.

11.Why does a 2.25 gas Land Rover take almost 20 seconds to 60mph?

A stock Land Rover has 8 speeds forward and you must wait 2.1 seconds between each shift.

 12.What is the Camel Trophy?

The Camel Trophy is a light-hearted romp by team members of various countries through exotic vacation spots. The members are chosen in a raffle. There is a short competition during the 2 week cruise/tour. Some of the events include:

 

 13.What are all of the levers in the front for?

Most Land Rovers are automatics, so you shouldn't have any levers up front. However, if you have the rare edition James Bond model, you will have 5 lever in front. Each has its own function.

14.If I drive my RHD on the left side of the road, does the chassis number change?

Yes, but you have to be driving at least 50 mph, and it happens so fast thatyou need to keep eyes firmly affixed to the data plate on the bulkhead. Ahhh, but Doktor Mills, it is not so simple. The chassis number will change, but as with all such quantum effects, it will only change when it is not being observed... very similar to a kettle boiling. What you fail to mention is that the number will appear to decrease as the Rover approaches c (v=speed of light), but this is a relativistic effect. It is in fact the result of OTHER chassis numbers increasing at the same rate while yours slows... but you'll need the high-compression V8 to try this experimentally...

15.How do I get my wife/husband to agree to purchasing a Land Rover?

You don't. Just buy it, get divorced, and then convince the judge to award you alimony to help support your "baby". [RS]

16.Can young children be of assistance when driving a Land Rover?

Not when driving. They do make excellent wheel chocks when parking, though.

17.Can a Land Rover run on alternative fuels?

Certainly, and they often do. Many are powered by tow trucks, helpful strangers, and Great Danes.

18.What is the best source for parts for a Land Rover?

Any Land Rover close enough to get there and back before sun-up, but far enough away that its owner doesn't know you. [RS]

19.Which is better, a Land Rover SII 109", a case of good beer, or a loving, caring, beautiful,  intelligent wife?

A1: This is a tough question. Many claim the Land Rover, but there are those that prefer the beer.

A2: Actually, IF you sell your soul, you can have all three (like me ;^) ), although you want to make sure you get a loving, caring, beautiful, intelligent wife THAT WON'T drink the beer. [JH]

20.How many Land Rover Owners does it take to change a lightbulb?

At least nine. The relative merits of genuine parts versus aftermarket products must be discussed, with of course, the consideration of the value of equivalent, common, American replacements, which leads to a lively symposium about the validity of non-original Land Rovers, degenerating into a heated argument about which particular Land Rover model is the best, incorporating, naturally, a joke about a Corgi or Dinky model being the best, starting a comparison of various miniature Land Rover collections, culminating with a trading frenzy, whilst the remaining participants rehash the benefits of cooking on a galvanized grill versus the resulting toxicity. Eventually the bulb *is* replaced, at which point, seeing as how it's Lucas Electrics, it promptly burns out again.

21.Are Land Rover *users* as patient as owners?

No, not usually. The British Army sometimes gets so cross with them, they throw them out of aeroplanes. Then they feel sorry for them, and throw themselves out as well.

22.Which is the best Land Rover to own?

One you haven’t paid for yet.

23.Are Land Rovers air-portable?

Certainly. Most Matchbox editions can be carried as hand luggage.

24.Can Land Rovers be double parked?

Yes. Engage first low, and park on top of the Toyota in front.

25.How do I tell if I got one of the export Land Rovers with the zinc crankshafts?

This is best done by taste. You dip your finger up to the first joint in crankcase oil. If it has a sort of taste like chewing tinfoil (chew some to find out what it tastes like first), you are fine and have a proper steel crank. If it has a blackened-redfish taste to it, you have a zinc crank and should immediately buy a Shogun.

26.Should I put locking hubs on all four wheels to get maximum mileage?

The Land Rover will run very efficiently with all four hubs unlocked. Especially downhill with a tailwind. Or, you can tie on to the back of a Mondeo and have friends tow you all over town -- you can even put a tape of engine sounds in the that kicker stereo (instead of the tape of rapper Six-Pack Shabazzor whatever) and rally crank it up to make people think there is a 4.2 V8i under the hood.

27.Should I consider a Series 0 Land Rover?

The very rare Series 0 (Series "nought" Land Rovers are generally the best choice for people looking for luxury and off-road ability. They were built in a joint venture between W.O. Bentley himself and Rover PLC in the 1920's. ConnleyLeather interiors, burl walnut trim, a Bentley straight-8 with lower, all titanium body and a 4 wheel drive system later copied in WWII by German engineers. They never rust, have electrical systems built by NASA and are guaranteed never to get stuck. The Queen has one. If you search a really long time, you can probably find one for about $1000. I am sure people on this list will be glad to send you all kinds of leads since we don't want anything so plush.

28.If I buy a Left-Hand drive vehicle, where can I find a left-handed starting handle to go with it?

Left hand drive vehicles require a left-handed Starting handle. Rovers North sells them. Ask for Lanny and tell him you need a left-handed starting handle.

29.Are Land Rover Owners generally patient people?

Land Rover owners are very patient people If we weren't, we'd drive Hyundais without Lucas electrical parts in them

30.What other differences are there between left and right hand drive vehicles besides the steering wheel being on the wrong side?

The handbrake is in the RH footwell, the wing mirror is moved to the right wing, looking down at the pedals, they are gas, brake, clutch when looking from left to right, the exhaust comes out the other side, the gear selection remains the same etc.

31.Will I need a left hand fan, if I don’t already have one?

Yes. The way to find out is to remove the radiator and grill, start the engine,and poke the head through the gap until contact is made with the fan.If it removed the head from the left hand side, the fan requires changing. I wouldn't bother with the head, its no use now, anyway.

(The following is loosely translated from a little known "Basic Land Rover Physic", originally written in 'Mock Sweedish' and submitted to the journal of unreproducable experiments.) It depends whether the axis which the fan spins on is exactly aligned with the axis of the spinning globe, (then the land rover is on the pole). If so, then if the fan is spinning the the same direction as the earth the rotation of the land-rover slows down, as perceived from a static point in three dimensional space not affected by the spinning of the globe. However if it isn't rotating in the same direction then you need to change it or point the land rover in the reverse direction, otherwise, the land rover's 4wd drive train will experience 'wind-up' and promptly flip over when the wind-up reaches the spring-motor release break point, 'k'. However, if the fan is oriented so as to provide lift, then the Land Rover will experience thrust in the vertical direction. Conversely, if the PTO take off shaft is connected to the Earth's pole (axis) then the Land Rover drive train will experience no wind up and is free to obey the laws of intertia regarding it's orientation to the axis,a d the forces exerted by the 2.25 engine. Of course, this is hypothesized for a Land Rover with a frictionless drive train, and neglects the affects of polar cold on the viscosity of lubricants and the friction of air on moving Land Rovers. Your rotational inertial may vary. The actual experiment is left as an exercise for the causal observer.

32.When driving my 88 (made in 1959, titled as a 1960) in very cold weather, I (made in 1961, titled as a 1962) find that my elbows emit a loud creaking noise when attempting to turn the steering wheel hard to either side. How do I fix this?

Hey, it's an easy fix. A pair of coveralls fitted with a flexible hose to the heater works very well. You can even drive with the windows open (recommended, since there is no longer any airflow to the defrosters), although passengers have it pretty tough. But hey, let'm squeak. This actually was a factory installed option on ragtop models, suffix A through F.

33.What about Sea Rovers?

If purchasing the Sea Rover option, remember that the Birmabrite body and steel chassis create a galvanic cell when exposed to salt water or any water containing impurities. This can result in large electrical charges being built up in the operator with the obvious detrimental (to health) effects on stepping ashore.

34.Are Rovers a likely to Roll over (and play dead) as Jeeps?

Stock Land Rovers can be a wee bit tippy too. But you can improve on the design with the Rovers North Mansfield Anti Roll bar kit. It consists of 2 long rectangular bars made of some sort of heavy metal, each weighing743lbs. They are attached to the bottom of the left and right frame rails with supplied u-bolts. This lowers the center of gravity and greatly improves the stability of the vehicle. Don't attempt the installation alone. They’re a bit awkward. Ask your wife/girlfriend to help. They aren't too expensive but the shipping really sucks. Call Rovers North and ask for Lanny. Tell him you need the Rovers North Mansfield Anti Roll Bar kit.

Unfortunately it's not on special this month.

35.Do you have to turn the crank the opposite direction if you're south of the equator?

No. The only modification needed for travel in the southern hemisphere is to fit the counter-plugs for the oil filler holes. These plugs screw in counter-clockwise, and are required to prevent the dreaded "coreolis" effect, which would cause normal plugs to unscrew themselves as you drive.

36.How do I rotate the taillight oil?

Taillights don't require oil, of course. What they need immediately after purchase, or after deep wading, is a thick coating of dust and mud. Thiskeeps the light inside the  taillight assembly, where it is stored, allowing the unit to function virtually forever. This coating should never be washed off. It is a part of the unit, much like the aging of fine leather. [RS] 

37.Which is better, a Hummer or a Land Rover?

A Hummer is very different from a Land Rover. Each is outstanding in its own element. But first we need to define both:

Land Rover- A very capable British 4X4.

Hummer - A recreational game involving a comb and some tissue paper.

A Hummer is better if the tunes hummed include "Flight Of the Bumble Bee", or "Ride of the Valkyries". A Land Rover is better if the tunes hummed include the themes from "Gilligan's Island" or "Mr. Ed".

38.What can I do to make the engine turn over faster?

A1: Its winter now. 'tis the time to dilute the 20w50 with some gasoline...

A2: I hear that by removing the oil filter element you can substantially reduce the viscosity, over time, of your engine oil. Takes a little while, but is guaranteed to work. Also, you can just rip a few large holes in it....saves you from having to extract it from within its little cuppy thing.

39.What is Genuine Land-Rover Scotch? And how do you make it?

A: In the late sixties, Land-Rover offered a PCV/PTO driven whiskey still. Simply mount the still in place of the air filter, route the filler neck hose to the still. Fill the sump with water and the grain of your choice. After a few hundred miles, attach the hose from the PTO driven pump to the still and out comes glorious Genuine Land-Rover Scotch. I've seen it in action and "boy, let me tell you" that is a damn fine product! Just call Bruce at Oddbins and ask him for one. He's got a couple laying around, but they

won't last long!

40.What about the Anti-Lock Brake System factory installed in Series Land Rovers?

Actually, Land Rover introduced a form of antilock braking system back in the late forties which deployed air pockets in the brake lines maintained by calibrated "leaks" around the seals and pipe unions. This forces the operator to pump the pedal 4 to 7 times before full pressure is achieved, thus keeping the wheels from locking up. This system was so successful that it was maintained as standard in all series vehicles and early Range Rovers. It was also such a reliable system, it could always be counted on to work. A new system, introduced within the last few years, is "ABS". This is really nothing  more than an automated version of the original system. Once the pedal is depressed, the system automatically and rapidly pumps the brakes up.

41.What kind of Land Rover do I have if I hit a jump at 100 mph and the wheels stay off the ground?

 You have the super rare Air-Rover conversion kit made my Supermarine & Messerschmidt.  Always was intrigued with the pusher-puller propellers mounted on the front and back...[DK]

42.What in heaven's name IS an ARB Locker and does it matter if I don't know?

 An ARB Locker is a special cabinet in the rear of a Land Rover where the ARB is kept. Mainly for Military use, the ARB, or Automatic Re Breather, is used for deep wading. You may have noticed that the intake snorkels fitted to Land Rovers are about 12 inches above the crew's heads. Clearly the crew needs to be able to breathe as well. This apparatus is used to supply air to the crew under these circumstances. (Most ordinary 4x4 users do not need them.)

Original source for this material is here. Thanks for letting me use this.

Thanks to Rodrigo Bejarano and everyone at uk-lro. …..Eric Leuzinger.