602, pardon me for putting my nose in here, but I will.
Life is hard. Troubles accumulate and it overwhelms us. It happens to all of us, but few are strong enough to admit it. You are not alone.
When we're hurting we find solace in comfortable things and places. When everything around you is crumbling, you look at comfortable places where you can just breathe deeply for a moment and recover some strength. It feels selfish and guilty to do so, but it's important. So what happens when your comfortable places become unwelcoming and uncomfortable? Strange as it seems, internet places like this are comfortable places for all of us. What happens when a place like this seems to turn on you? Where do you turn?
These are real feelings, and you shouldn't try to squash them or run from them. They're coming up as a result of trouble, and the trouble is real.... so the feelings are too. Wishing them away won't make them go away. Talking them out will help. That helps to put the whole mental furball into line instead of a huge tangle.
Over the last few years I've got to the point several times that my head was buzzing and my cheeks were flushed all the time, like I was flushed with adrenaline all the time. That's fight/flight response to stress. It doesn't help to squash that down, because it doesn't go away ... it just gets squashed. Some people try to hide it beneath alcohol or drugs and that doesn't help either.
Usually I get too stressed like that when there are too many things to do, or too many impossible tasks and responsibilities. Everyone's solution is different, mine is to go hiking. I'm lucky because there are lonely climbing places in the mountains everywhere I look around the house, so I take the dogs and go. Or sometimes I'll leave them home. Pick something that's not very strenuous, so you don't have to think about the hike. Then point your toes uphill and start the mental workout.
Force yourself to focus your thoughts on the right-here/right-now. It's hard because your mind wants to spin off on that hamster wheel. So look down at the dirt trail, and at the flower right there beside your boot. Stop and count the petals. Breathe in, breathe out. Look around and see if there's a wild rose nearby. Keep your mind on the right-here/right-now and do not let it wander. Close your eyes and smell the aromas on the wind. Climb a little more, and stop to look at the bark on a tree. Look for bugs. Listen for birds. Climb a little more, and turn to see where you've been. Look up and see where you're going. Feel your heart beating. Think about the right-here/right-now. Feel your forehead getting cold from the sweat. Climb some more and pick a nice sunny spot to lie down and just soak in the moment. Feel how cold the ground is, notice how warm your breath is. Look at the clouds. Keep your mind in the right-here/right-now. See if you can make your mind think of absolutely nothing at all (it's a lot harder than you think). Breathe in, breathe out.... smell the air.
What you're doing is organizing your thoughts, putting them in order. Pushing the abstract off into the distance and making the stuff you can see and smell and touch matter. You're slowing down and actively calming your mind, and that brings a sense of relief from your worries. Next comes gratitude for the peace, it just happens. Soak in the gratitude. And what a treasure it is to feel that peace. That's all I let myself think about..... peace and thankfulness for that peace. Close your eyes and feel peaceful and smell the air.
Get in the habit of doing this several times a week, Wilkie will love it and you'll find yourself leaving a whole lot of burdens up there in the hills. And you'll find yourself talking to God about what a great climb it was on the way back down.
Hang in there John. You matter a lot more than you know.
-Bob
