I've been fighting demons for so long I really can't remember not fighting them.
For me it all started with the military. Since I was a little kid all I wanted to do was become an Army infantry officer. My parents often found me digging trenches and foxholes around the property. When the time arrived I applied for an appointment to West Point and got in - it shocked everyone since I was always the 'runt'. Due to family issues I had to give it up and instead went the ROTC route. I excelled at it; I was ranked in the top 3% out of 4,200 Cadets in my regional training Regiment, was in the top 1% in my company (on campus) and was 2nd in command of the Cadet Ranger battalion (for those Cadets slated for Special Forces). Life was golden and I was recently married to the girl I knew would be my wife since 5th grade.
Less than 6 months from receiving my commission I was in a training accident at Ft. Knox. The injury wasn't bad enough to get me booted out, but they found an issue with my spine - that got me booted out of tge military. Since I was just a cadet, and under no contract, I was not entitled to any military benefits. Life came crashing down and I went into a tailspin.
After college I found a job that I was rather good at - the purchasing department for a national chain store. In order to move up the corporate ladder though I had to serve as a floor manger - for 1 to 2 years - in one of the stores, which meant 'store management training' which took a year as well. So I was transferred to a training store 500 miles away.
The training was a nightmare - the store manager was abusive to other managers. As an example - I was late to a management meeting by about 15 minutes due to car issues. After being lectured, in front of the other managers, I was made to stand in front of them with hand hand pointing up, at the 12 position, and the other pointing at the 8 position. I was told to repeat "meetings start at 8am" several times. Within months I had developed a bleeding ulcer and tge doc said I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Needless to say I left. About a year later we found out that the person who had been sent there before me did have a breakdown. Eventually that store/training manger got fired.
This incident just added to the depression caused by the military.
Eventually I landed a purchasing management position with a wholesale company that supplied material for construction companies. I was climbing the ladder quickly and really liked the company and wanted to retire from it. Then I got sick... felt like I had the worst case of flu in history. One day, while getting dressed to go to work, I collapsed and was rushed to the ER. While there I died, but they brought me back. It took days for them to figure out what was going on - Lupus. It was in such a progressive state my immune system was destroyed and my lungs trashed. I was given 'maybe' 5 years to live. This just compounded the growing depression from the military and that job.
A couple years later the company I was with (a family run business) was sold to a much larger corporation that was in the wholesale building supply business. I was offered a corporate position, but that would require transferring to Houston TX, and the wife was not willing to relocate, her career was taking off. Besides, even though my health was doing better the docs said I would not live to see 2003 AND we had previously purchased a historic house and property that needed work done on it, we would stay put.
The wife and I decided that since the docs said I wouldn't live to see 2003 (this was in 2000) I would just live out the rest of my days working on the house and property.
2003 came around and I was still alive - the docs were surprised. Unfortunately I got sick easily, and still do, but I was out of the woods. This is when I decided to do something I've wanted to since I was a little kid - buy a Land Rover. I was a gift to myself for beating the odds - sort of a 'proof of life' type thing. This is also when I decided to reenter the working world.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a job when you haven't worked in several years? When the employer asks "why" you haven't worked in so long, and you tell them "health" issues, it raised a lot of red flags. Once in awhile I would find a job, and at the drop of a hat I'd get sick again, usually bronchitis, and loose it. Most companies won't keep someone around who gets sick, for 2 to 3 weeks at a time, about once every 3 to 4 months. This really, REALLY adds to the depression and demons.
I finally gave up trying to find a job in 2010. I keep trying to figure out some sort of home based business I coukd do, but nothing pans out. About 5 years ago I even considered buying an Army Navy surplus store, but the seller kept dragging their feet and leading us on - the owner just couldn't bare giving it up and retiring. We even offered to buy it and keep them on, but they didn't want to do that.
We live in a small town, about 1,500 people, just about everyone knows I'm not working and that the wife is the bread winner, yet very very few know the 'rest of the story'. This also leads to depression - it doesn't help when you run into town and people who give you a funny look - you can't help but think they are thinking how pathetic and emasculated you are. And yes, the wife has had people ask "what's wrong with him".
I live with demons and depression every day. It weighs heavy and just keeps compounding. I do my best not to keep it bottled up while keeping a stiff upper lip as well. On the bright side, I can say I have not turned to alcohol or drugs in order to cope.
One way I have tried to help myself is by letting others open up and talk to me. I don't care who you are - if you're struggling, and just need to talk - I listen.
Sorry for such a long post, yet I felt it might help someone down the road, never know who might be reading this.
Author
Topic: Take care what you talk about. (Read 3843 times)
